My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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