when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
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I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
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I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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