I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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