and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
All I want is dick and wine.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
