I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
