I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
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