i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
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then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
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