watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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