well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
