my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
