Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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