I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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