Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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