dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
did i walk over a car last night?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
