we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
