on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
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