We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
