did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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