I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
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I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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