K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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