Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I don't think brook has ever known best
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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