why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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