I will die if light touches me.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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