So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
