No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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