it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
