No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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