if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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