you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
