Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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