I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
