I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
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I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
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Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Randomize