I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
i love accidental penises.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Let's paint friendship bongs
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
