the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
