Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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