Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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