I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
