Need sex. Gaining weight.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
