My sheets look like a crime scene.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
