I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
