Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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