Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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