I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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