party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
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I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
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Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again