I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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