Fuck appropriateness.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
