everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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