life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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