I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
