he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
