Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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