totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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