Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
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And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
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Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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