Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
