Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize