She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
