My liver just broke up with me...
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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