good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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