Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
