i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
cat food counts as protein by the way
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
