I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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