I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
