The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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