we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize