if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
