i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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