Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Randomize
